Too Numb to be Angry.

best-depressing-quotes-smiling-has-always-been-easier

Im at a point in my life where I just let things pass me by and I don’t even care about it na. I feel like mangaway ug tanang taw nga maghatag nakog even the slightest reason para awayon. Then I questioned myself what have i become? Mao ba ni ang person nga nacreate after 5 years of my professional life?

I realized that I am more than that. There is no sense to feel angry about the current situation im in. I am stronger than this. I am more mature.  I have been a lot of self-pity moments already. I should grow up.

Then mao to- Narealize nako nga after all the years of high and lows, this life has made me so numb. Numb to a point nga dili na uso ang maglagot. I just let it stagnant for a couple of days until my tears dry on their own. I know myself and i know i cope up faster when Im alone. #padayonSaPagUswag.

As they said, mas easy jud ang magsmile lang kaysa magmog-ot ka and invites attention na noon. I don’t want attention. Maybe mao pud na ang reason nga all my efforts are left unnoticed.

Life is cruel. Bear with it.

Ang distance From Family.

What happened to that Kid sa middle?

What happened to that Kid sa middle?

*i think it’s time to publish this draft

I was a normal kid noong elementary. At nagsimula ang lahat noong High School.

Nagsimula ang lahat when I enrolled myself alone kay feeling independent naman daw ko. I bought all school requirements myself. And wala jud ko kabalo sa mga details, nakamata nalang ko one day and narealize nako nga daghan na kaayo kog mga secrets nga gikeep sa akong family. And I realized na the more maindependent ka, the more nga daghan kag secrets.

Though nagpuyo ko sa among family’s house since birth, but tungod sa school, I think being away from home often is inevitable. Tungod pud ana, daghan kaayog mga panghitabo sa school nga never nako gishare sa akong family, even a bit. My family has been protective. Once, naay overnight activity sa ANS-SSG, then wala ko nila gisugtan nga mag-overnight. Niuli ko paggabii and nibalik the following day. Thinking about it, wala ko kita sa logic and maglagot ko slight. But bisan pa, ila man kong gisupportahan in all my day activities. They finance my needs (and never pud ko naghimohimo ug mga ghost bayarin). PagHS, pag naay mga contest nga makadaug ko, wala na nako ginashare sa akong family. Naa gani mga event nga akong apilan, dili nalang ko magsulti. I keep it all to myself.

My family has high expectations. I can feel that. They see the end, wala na nila gimind ang means. Second year high school, 1st grading. Kailangan muadto ang parents para kuhaon ang report card. Before hand, niana ko sa akong mama nga top 18 ko mother. Ana sha oks lang na dong. Pero deep within diay niya na-sad sha. Pag-adto niya sa school, giingnan sha sa mong teacher nga top 2 ko.

And I really don’t know nganong nawala sa akong mga likes ang pagshare sa akong mga happy experiences sa balay. Graduation sa HS, ako naghikay tanan sa akong mga documents, sa akong mga kailangan sa akong future. Few weeks before the graduation giannounce ang Honor Students. I was so happy by then and it seem so sureal pa. 2 days before lang sa graduation, nitug-an ko sa akong family nga valedictorian ko.

I mean I love my family, and wala ko nag-aim sa element of surprise. It’s just di nako feel nga motug-an instantly nila. Maybe dili lang jud ko close sa akong family. I really hate man gud kana bitawng iistorya ka sa laing taw and then sa imong atubangan. Ewan, di ko ganahan ana nga situation. #awkward

College. Philnits. First try I failed. I told them nga nagfail ko. And I can swear nga I hate my father. Niana sha nga mao dawng wala ko kapasar kay sigi ra daw kog tan-aw ug tv. I HATE that day! Nakayawyaw kog pinakalit. Like kamo nalay pagtoon feel kaayo ninyo dali ra kaayo da. Makasira ug moment. SO, the next time nga nakapasar na ko ug Philnits, wala na ko nagshare.

College graduation. And parang nahimo na nakong pattern nga 2 days before sa graduation na ko moingon if ever naa man koe award. I thought wala silay idea pero when my father get my birth certificate sa NSO, naa diay didto sila Alberto! Then akong papa is natural talkative jud. Dira na niya nako nakuha akong katabian basta naa sa akong crowd. Pero si papa walay pili ug crowd, tanan storyahan. Nagtalk na diay sila nila and nagtug-an sila nga Magna akong peg. In short, nabali ang situation. Ako ang wala nakabalo nga kabalo sila. Anah!

And until now, di nako nagashare sa akong parents sa mga actibidadis nako sa work. I keep it to myself nalang. If maasign gani ko somewhere, dili na kaayo nako iisue. Light packer ra man pud ko.  So 2 days before ra japon ko naga-ingon. 2 days before ko nagingon nga magmakati ko. A week before ko niingon nga magjapan ko(1st time). 3 days before ko niingon nga magjapan ko(2nd time).

Mwah!

 

 

Unexpected People, Unexpected Places

“I heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason – bringing something we must learn”

It’s the first time nga naa koe kastorya and then naai kanta nga nisulod sa akong brain while listening to what he’s been talking. And that song is “For Good” from the broadway musical Wicked. Ahak man gud kaayo tong tawhana, daghan kaayog giyawyaw about life. Nakareflect na noon ko sa akong life. Nakamunimuni na noon ko ug unsa ko sa una ug naunsa na ko karon, ug unsa pa ka ha ko few years from now. I can’t tell.

Someone asked me a week ago, let’s just tago her name sa pangalang “Darlene”. She asked, “what do you wanna be?”. Sounds like a question that needs to be answered while you are in your grade school pero mas mahirap palang sagutin pag malaki ka na.

It took me a couple of seconds to have a sensible answer. Sennsible ba ka ha nang “I don’t know and I’m not in the process of finding what I want to be 5 or 10 years from now. I currently is just enjoying the present. Whatever makes me happy, I’ll temporarily settle for it.”

****
Maybe i should start to meditate about my life. I should take courage to plan on what I should do. The guy i talked to knows how to read palms. That what he said, I don’t believe half of that but what’s the harm of believing kahit kunti lang. Specially when that little seems to describe me right on the spot.

I realized that in the process of what I am now, there were lots of Joshua’s principles and beliefs that got lost in the way. There was a time that i don’t know myself anymore. And i started to ask myself what have i become. It’s a painful realization but I don’t have the luxury of options but to move forward. I can’t fix my past. I can only create a better future.

I should prolly uninstall apps on my phone [again].

LIFE

Ang Araw na nag-iba ang office.

Really?! pagsulod nako sa office nausab jud ang aura. Buntag pa naa nai nagbarog dapit sa akong desk. Anyare?!

So mao ni ang nahitabo. Sulod sa elevator. Press 21st floor. Tan-aw sa phone kay mao ni ang schedule nako tan-awn akong timehop. Ako ra isa sa elevator. Niopen ang elevator. Naai tao sa gawas. So nigawas ko. Nisulod ang tao. Nagtan-aw gihapon kog timehop sa phone. By the way, nagaheadphone ko permi on my way to work.

Pagopen sa door sa office area, diridiritsu sa desk which is near sa end part sa office sa window. Ngano naa may gabarog dapit sa akong desk nga mga new faces? Ngano man ni? Nawala man sila Tsukizawa-san.

And then I realized, AHAK kay naa diay ko sa 20th floor.

Pasabta ko. So nihinay hinay kog walk back and never look back. Nagstairs nalng ko pa 21st floor kay di ko pareha atong lalaking nasugatan nako nga padung saka one floor lang  sha nagelevator pa jud. Sha ang reason maong naguba akong buntag.

Actually dili ni ang first nahitabo ni. It happened before pero paggawas jud nako sa elevator kay nakarealize ko nga 20th floor pa diay so nidiritsu nalng ko sa hagdanan.. Pero this time kay uwaw much kay nisulod na jud ko sa office area. T_Tj

#neverAgain

puzzled